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The morning after the night before

So, Alec and I are, Alec and I it seems...I just hope that ditching out on him for work this morning hasn't made him think...well, what I would think of someone who ditched out on the first night, but a job is a job.
And this job was fun, literally strapping on that little PVC number that perves the world over seem to love, and hauling Liselle French's scumbag husband out of a swingers club. I suppose it was lucky he'd moved so far.
So, here's a question, am I really in love with this guy? I feel kinda like I am, but I sort of felt like that anyway...How odd is that, an empath who isn't sure how she feels?
And Jinx and Libra, wanting me to be a bridesmaid, the biggest deal ever, I love weddings. In fact I kinda love life right now!
Also the news that The Fraters are in town is fantastic, it's been so long since we've seen them! I hope Alec and Max and the guys will squeak being able to come with.
This Glory chick may prove a problem, not because I wasn't expecting him to have a past but because I may have to kill her for being such an obnoxious bitch about it!
You know, I'm pretty sure I am...Oh my God

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Demons

Isn't it funny, that sometimes, something can hurt, I mean really hurt even though you know that it shouldn't, it shouldn't have bothered me, what Alec said, because...because it doesn't matter what I feel about him, he obviously hates my ass, but that is in the past. It's a shame that the past is so sneaky.
So, what should I do? Find myself a mission, I think, go, see Logan, pick up the camera, get on with my life after all, the cat in me has nine. I must have, what, three left, and I haven't even tried getting shot yet.
It was nice, to talk to Max today, and to Logan, to get to steal a little happiness from someone.
Then why am I pissed that Alec doesn't realize what he did, and why in the hell do I miss talking to him?!
Bah! Bring on the mission, bring on Tony Luca, bring on whatever you want to bring world, coz this girl is ready !

Dreams

An office full of dead men, Nick's broken body, the place where Charlie's life was taken and the place where he was avenged. My New York apartment, Guterieiz's grave stone, Eden, Jax, weddings, funerals, my parents, 410, murder, anger, sex and death. Then suddenly peace, sitting on the window seat looking down the drive, my mother and me talking about the future, the past, tomorrow and yesterday,. We are as we so often were, sitting at the window waiting for my father to come home, and something strange, as my mother leans forward to brush the hair back from my eyes, as she does so often in these dreams, but this time the touch is warm and real...
I wake quickly, expecting god knows what and finding only joy...
...Thank you Alec

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New York State of mind

I keep thinking, that I'm no use here, that all I've done is screw up my own mind and taken others with me, that I'll just do this grift and then I'll go home...but I know I won't, because of something that I shouldn't want, and can't have. 
I missed them today. I missed Eden yammering on at me about not going in alone even when she know's it's the best way...Honestly I missed going in alone. I missed that feeling that I could take what or whoever I wanted in that room. I missed knowing that between my capabilities and my knife belt no one in that room could hurt me.
And as I watched the bar, and talked to Slick I missed Charlie.
Weird right? To miss someone after so long, but I did, the bar was so familiar to where we met, I expected him to pop up, all green eyes and sarcastic smiles at how I was behaving, just like old times.
I wonder what Alec would think, of the truth, of the things I've done and people I've damaged to get where I needed to be, to stay alive. 
Only no one knows.
And no one will

Smoke and Mirrors

Am I the same person I was three years ago, when I sang at the wedding if my two best friends?
I don't know.
I think all that changed when I found out how my parents died, what it really was to be a transgenic, when 410 showed her face.
So, why when he's around does it feel OK that I'm this new person now, even though I loved my life then, who I was? Particularly when he doesn't seem to even know if he feels it too?
I have to call Eden and get her to send down that damn pole!

bleeding is believing

So, it scared him away, and what do I care really, the guy's a jerk and I do NOT miss him, and this does NOT hurt like hell, and that I don't want to turn and run back to New York, back to Edie and Jax and easy work at the jazz clubs, back to life before I realised I had a cause to fight and before...

So what happens now?

I wonder, 410 has lost me any trust I'd built with the others and why not when I barely even trust myself?
And then there's the other stuff, the fact that I killed Nick and terrified Alistair and Marta so much I'll probably never see them again, and even if I do would it be safe?
I've lost a valuable connection to much needed supplies for Terminal City, and a couple of well connected supporters of the cause.
And then there's Alec, or is there?
Did telling him help or did it scare him away? God, I don't know, I don't even know if I want to know!

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War zone

My designation is X5410, I am designed to kill, I have been cheated once before, but her strength fades. I will not fail again...

My name is Alexis Da Silva, I do not have a design, I am myself. I've beaten my inner psychopathic bitch before, and I am determined to do it again. I am strong. I will not fail. In spes illic est vita. In hope there is life...

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Home

So, I'm here, we're here, I'm the closest to getting home I'm ever gonna be, and the sweet little lie with Alec is about the only thing keeping me going.
For the last eight and a half years, this is where I've wanted to be, and now I'm here but the reasons are all wrong...

Kiss, kiss, bang, bang

So, now I know what's going on. I have a crush on an emotional cripple! Well that's fine, no worries, and when he kissed me, felt nothing, absolutely nothing! Well maybe not nothing, maybe a hell of a lot of things.
Maybe how good it felt to be there, then, maybe how fantastic he smelled, maybe, how he can lie with everything but his eyes, and maybe how it's never gonna happen.
I mean he's Manticore boy right? Kiss, kiss, bang bang and it's done, and I'm not Manticore girl, not really.
So that's it, kiss the boy, steal the truck, traumatize the elderly, access the black market medical supplies, come home, forget having ever kissed the boy. NO PROBLEM...big problem!

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